Where is this leading?
After several weeks of barely speaking, Jennifer and I have started some sort of uneasy truce. I don't know if she feels how strained it is. I don't know if she feels how awkward it is. I do. I feel it all, and struggle to forget how disappointing our friendship has become.
We've started up quite a lot of on-the-down-low gossip about a few people (brother and sister, incidentally) that work there (stemming from our various complaints about the people in question and our need to rant about them with *someone*). It's interesting to see how easily we slip into old habits - laughing and joking as if there was never a wedge jammed between us. It's a little scary, too. I'm having a hard time remembering, during those times, that I've promised myself to watch what I say around her...to not let anything slip that might come back to haunt me. I have already, though. Several times over the past several days. I try not to dwell on it, but somewhere deep inside it worries me just a little bit.
I wonder at her motivations. She seemed so content to be rid of me, and yet here she was, visiting me at my desk the way I used to visit at hers. Our conversation was meant to be short - a few minutes' continuation of a rant that started last week. But 20 minutes later here we were, discussing, of all things, sexuality and societal stigma. The flow of the conversation was interesting, as well, but there's no sense in trying to trace it - it ran the gamut, shifted and went in different directions as if we had never had a falling out - as it has no bearing on this post. Anyone who has ever had a close friendship knows how it goes, anyway - how conversations can flow through several topics when you're at ease with the person you're talking to. And that's how it was - which makes this all the more unsettling. I don't feel easy with her. I don't feel comfortable with her. At least, not until I lose myself in the topic of the moment and remember her as the confidant of months past.
I suppose it's not so surprising. It's very lonely at work without a friend. It's so hard to pass the hours and days without someone you can lean on. I've had to do it for a while, now, so it's no wonder that I'm reaching out and clinging to what I'm offered.
To be honest, though, I'd rather be emailing with my friend Ian or with Thom when he has time. (Thom, by the way, is sounding rather punchy today in his emails - and I'm enjoying that immensely). But as I said, I'm left with what's offered. For now.
I just wonder how and when it will all go wrong.
We've started up quite a lot of on-the-down-low gossip about a few people (brother and sister, incidentally) that work there (stemming from our various complaints about the people in question and our need to rant about them with *someone*). It's interesting to see how easily we slip into old habits - laughing and joking as if there was never a wedge jammed between us. It's a little scary, too. I'm having a hard time remembering, during those times, that I've promised myself to watch what I say around her...to not let anything slip that might come back to haunt me. I have already, though. Several times over the past several days. I try not to dwell on it, but somewhere deep inside it worries me just a little bit.
I wonder at her motivations. She seemed so content to be rid of me, and yet here she was, visiting me at my desk the way I used to visit at hers. Our conversation was meant to be short - a few minutes' continuation of a rant that started last week. But 20 minutes later here we were, discussing, of all things, sexuality and societal stigma. The flow of the conversation was interesting, as well, but there's no sense in trying to trace it - it ran the gamut, shifted and went in different directions as if we had never had a falling out - as it has no bearing on this post. Anyone who has ever had a close friendship knows how it goes, anyway - how conversations can flow through several topics when you're at ease with the person you're talking to. And that's how it was - which makes this all the more unsettling. I don't feel easy with her. I don't feel comfortable with her. At least, not until I lose myself in the topic of the moment and remember her as the confidant of months past.
I suppose it's not so surprising. It's very lonely at work without a friend. It's so hard to pass the hours and days without someone you can lean on. I've had to do it for a while, now, so it's no wonder that I'm reaching out and clinging to what I'm offered.
To be honest, though, I'd rather be emailing with my friend Ian or with Thom when he has time. (Thom, by the way, is sounding rather punchy today in his emails - and I'm enjoying that immensely). But as I said, I'm left with what's offered. For now.
I just wonder how and when it will all go wrong.
posted by Unknown at 8:35 PM
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