And now, we wait.

So am I pregnant or aren't I? I don't know. And I probably won't know for another few weeks (when I see if I've missed my period or not - and can take a home pregnancy test if I have). And that blows. Not knowing is the worst part of all of it - plus the fear that we may have screwed up our timing or whatever else in the attempt.

It's frustrating. I've spent the last week researching and reading and trying to gauge my own body and what it's been trying to tell me. And I've found out two things:

1) I am supremely lacking when it comes to knowledge about this stuff.

and

2) Even if I weren't I still might not know due to their being no concrete information to be found online.

I should explain #2, I suppose. Every woman is different. Anybody with a vagina and breasts knows this. And usually that's okay. The problem comes when you try to find out what the signs of fertility/pregnancy are, only to find out that there's no clear-cut way to tell about either of those things. Some women have certain signs. Some don't. Some become fertile earlier. Some later. It's all incredibly confusing. And, for a person who likes concrete facts about whatever she's researching, it's all very frustrating as well.

And now I'm at that time where I just have to sit back and wait. Ovulation is over - I think, maybe, if I read the signs right (and I'm not sure that I have) - and there's nothing else to do until my body decides to declare what's going on one way or the other.

The research I did said that a woman only has about a 20%-25% chance to get pregnant during any month (and that's if conditions are optimal and timing is spot on), and that most couples take months before it happens (and maybe up to a year, if there aren't fertility problems). It amazes me... Some women get pregnant at the drop of a hat, whether they want to or not...usually when they don't. Young girls have sex for the first time and wind up pregnant at 15 or 14 or less. Me, I'm trying SO HARD (and my hubby is, too) for this to work and it might take months. Having sex pretty much every single day (or every day, in the case of the past week or so) hasn't helped our chances in the least. We still have 20%-25%. And that blows. Big time.

*Sigh* Well... Nothing to do now but wait and see what happens. I just hope that we made it, and that we don't have to go through this month after month. I don't know if I could take it.

A tribute to Thom's ex-waste of skin.

Yep. I think that sums it up nicely. That guy was a jerk. I'm glad he's gone.

Laziness and baby ponderings.

I've been putting off blogging for almost a week, now. No reason why, really. I haven't had time to do it at work (until today), and when I get home I just want to lie around and do nothing. I *especially* don't want to think up pithy things to say to an audience of one (myself...or two if Thom reads this regularly). And...well... my thoughts have just been elsewhere.

The baby thing has taken up most of my spare time lately. I keep thinking about names, and when we can start working on it, and just the MASSIVE responsibility of the whole thing. Holy life changing events, Batman. And I'm trying to be calm. Really. I'm trying to keep from stressing myself out or, worse, panicking. I'm doing okay for the most part. Usually. When I'm distracted.

My friend Ian said something that really blew me away. I reminded him during some conversation or other what a big responsibility this is, and he said, "Of course it is. You're creating a life. That's the closest to godliness a human can come." When I read that (we were conversing through email, like usual), I was just hit by this sudden, overwhelming wave of awe. Because he's right. Having a baby isn't like buying a house, or a car, or embarking on some other big, expensive, life-altering event. We'll be MAKING A PERSON. A real, living person that isn't even on this planet yet. That amazes me. It's such a small thing, really, but the enormity of this small act takes my breath away. And thanks to this revelation - epiphany, really - I can't wait to get going. I can't wait to see my body change. I can't wait to feel this tiny little being growing inside me. The first time he/she kicks, I think I'll burst into tears.

Bring on the morning sickness, and the sore back, and the swollen ankles and feet. Bring on the sleepless nights, and the poopy diapers, and all the rest of it. It'll all be worth it - a million times over, too - to see that small part of the hubby and I come into being and make his/her way in the world.

"A child is the best headache you'll ever have." That was the hubby that said that. He has a daughter, so he knows. And I think that he's absolutely right.

I'm ready.

So much to say...

...and so little time. So here's a list.

1) Thom's boyfriend broke up with him again, and gave him a ton of stupid excuses why. How pathetic and juvenile. We all thought he was a decent guy when we first met him. Shows how wrong first impressions can be. He fooled us all. I think we should go on a road trip, find him, and beat the snot out of him. I'm not alone in that opinion.
2) Serenity was great. It's a shame about that one person (don't want to spoil it for anyone) dying.
3) The Man and I are going to work on making our first baby, as soon as "that time of the month" is over.
4) I'm SCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARED by #3.
5) I mean, REALLY scared.
6) The Man named Thom as the godfather. I totally agree that he's the right choice. :)
7) Thom says he's being selfish about the baby thing, 'cause it means he gets to decorate the baby's room. I don't mind at all. :)
8) We got a new program here at work and it's slowing me down. I've already learned it, but now I have to be able to do it without having to think about each step first. I hope it doesn't take long (it shouldn't). Our busy days are going to be really bad for me for a bit.
9) Being slow on things like #8 makes me feel slightly inept. Then I realize I'm probably better at it already than anyone else here and I feel better.

I know I've skimmed over quite a few things that should really have more blog time, but lunch is almost over and I have to end it here. More later.